40 Dollars, Groceries, and Adulthood

So I've finally become an adult, well that sucks. Not really I am actually quite proud of my latest adult achievement so proud in fact that I am dedicating this blog to the amazing achievement. After a about a month of shopping at the local Wal-mart about a mile from my apartment I have come to three very important conclusions:

1. Wal-mart is insanely expensive in Florida.

2. All of the tourist in ALL of Florida seem to frequent my local Wal-mart, and therefore they are always massively crowded.

3. Because of the above mentioned tourists my Wal-mart tends to frequently be out of the essentials such as bread.

What these three conclusions add up to is that I made a plan to venture past my local Wal-mart to an actual grocery store... more commonly known as Publix to the local Floridians. I would like to first mention that I found the store without using my gps YAY! Not as directionally retarded as I thought! Not only did I found the store but before I went to the store I sat down and planned out an entire weeks menu, so I would know exactly what to get.

After completing my menu and subsequently the list that followed I wandered down to the store after work. I had set a general budget of 40 d0llars for this week. Not only did I get all of the groceries that I wanted I came in under my budget it was at 37.00 dollars and then came to 42.00 with taxes! I was so proud of this accomplishment that I had to call my Mom on the phone and tell her all about it.

Oh and I forgot to mention that one of the things I wanted to get was chicken, well all of the chicken was is packages that were too big for me, so I was even more of an adult and I asked the deli counter man if they split packages and they did, so he split my chicken for me and helped me stay under budget!

It seems silly to be so proud of such an accomplishment but I felt so good about it. Not only did it prove that I could be smart with my money but I could also actually make it on my crappy paychecks and not feel like I was gonna starve! So all in all I'd consider today an epic win! Score 1 for me , take that quarter-life crisis!

Knocked Up... And Still Classy

First I'd like to make a disclaimer that I am in fact NOT PREGNANT... yes you read that correctly I am NOT PREGNANT, so everyone simmer down and breathe. So tonight I was hanging out in the living room with my roomies and we were watching Knocked Up. And as I'm watching this movie I realize that a couple of things they mention are actually really smart and really true. One of my favorite scenes in this movie is when Ben (Seth Rogan's character) is explaining to his dad that he has accidentally gotten his one night stand pregnant. Here's how it plays out:

Seth : This is a disaster

Dad: No, this is not a disaster

D: An earthquake is a disaster, your grandmother having Alzheimer's so bad she doesn't know who the fuck I am, that's a disaster. This is a good thing. This is a blessing.

S: I have a vision for how my life will go and this is definitely not it

D:Wait is this your vision? Are you living your vision right now?

S: I kinda am living my vision, yeah

D: Well, that is sad, I'm telling you Life doesn't care about your vision. Okay? Stuff happens. You deal with it. You roll with it. That's the beauty of it.

Anyway the reason that I am so stuck on this scene in the movie is that I tend to forget that life doesn't come in a pretty package with a pretty bow on top. Life is messy and difficult and never any thing we planned. If we could actually plan for life it would be so much easier, but we can't not really. Yes, we can expect the best and the worst of things but we don't actually know which one we are gonna get. And yet with all the mess that my life is and everything that goes right or wrong I am trying to remember that it is all gonna be ok, that it's all gonna work out in the end.

I am often surprised at how resilient the human spirit and people are, but I often lack faith in my own resilience. I tend to forget how strong I really am, and I focus only on my weakness or lack of something. And like most others I'm sure we all do the same thing.... we focus not on our abilities or skills but only on the skills we never seem to master and all of the qualities we seem to lack.

I just once want to confidently say that I am strong and believe it. I want to be more grateful for my life and the place that I am in within it. I want to learn to appreciate, not necessarily enjoy the difficult times. I want to learn to roll through life more smoothly and to forgive myself and others when they make a mistake. I want to learn to live a life of gratitude and happiness. And I want to wake up in the morning and realize that I still have many dreams and that I am still full of an endless amount of potential.

Pursuit of Happyness

So I'm sittin' here thinking before I go to work and I'm just amazed I can't believe I've already been here for 2 months and I feel like I haven't really done anything yet... so tomorrow I get done with work a little early and I'm gonna come home and fix my car and then I'm gonna do something fun. Maybe I'll go exploring and see what I can come up with.

On another note I've decided that my life is a total road trip and it's about time I enjoy it. So I guess that means I better start making a kick ass road trip cd. I had this sudden epiphany and I thought, " Wow, this isn't exactly what I thought it was going to be , but when is anything I ever plan exactly the way I want it to be." What would happen if I created my own happiness, even in the middle of complete and total chaos? And why does that scare me more than anything else?

Happiness isn't something that I should be scared of ... it should be something that I am always looking for and always creating. But really I shouldn't even have to look for happiness, I should be able to be ok with things not always be happy, and perfect, and shiny. I wanna be able to see the beauty in the mess, the chaos, and the break down. I don't want to have to wait for some big beautiful ship to come in and bring all my dreams with it... Forget that I'll row out to the ocean on my piece of wood or my cardboard box.

Leo Tolstoy once said, ' That if you want to be happy, be." I think that I forget so much that my happiness is mainly determined by myself and that if I want to be happy all I have to do is be happy. Happiness isn't earned or found it is created and I am determined to create my own happiness. So in creating my happiness I will leave you all with a song and video that makes me happy!

Taking something In

So today after an excellent talk with my brother I decided that I was going to try and talk more of the positive things of my job and the place that I am at right now. Today while taking my 15 minute break instead of reading, I notice that my co-worker an older woman was from Ohio. Out of curiosity I asked her how far her hometown was from Columbus and things. As we started talking I mentioned that my Mom was from Chester, and to my surprise the woman knew exactly what I was talking about. So we spent the next 20 minutes talking about Chester and the old pottery factory , the Giant Tea Pot, the glass factory, and the steel mills. It was so nice to talk to someone for a few minutes about places that I've spent my whole childhood going to. I was really grateful for that today. And I am always remined at the times I need it most that my life and my experiences are good, and that my family and my home will always love and welcome me with open arms. That will never change no matter where I go.

I'm Having a What?

The day has come and gone I have finally walked across that stage and shaken the hands of many people whom I can't even name. I've collected the envelope with my supposed worth in it and yes I did check and my name was correct on it. At least I wasn't the dumb ass that filled out " Da Bomb" on her diploma form.

But the high of finally accomplishing a life long goal has worn off as quickly as the buzz of my two for one WallabeDarns. I'm now staring at a 60,000 dollar piece of paper and the next 25 years of debt staring right back. I woke up the next morning and realized I didn't have to do anything so I slept til noon and then watched four episodes of the Jersey Shore and Teen Mom. And then I woke up the next day and did the same damn thing except this time I added a shower to the mix and painted my nails. I am a college graduate and obviously highly accomplished. After a week of doing nothing I realized that was really boring and decided that it was now time to visit all of my other friends and spend as much time with them before I became an adult and moved to live out my dreams of saving the world.

Saving the world is apparently a lot harder than it looks because it didn't happen within the first month of me moving. In fact the only thing that happened in the first month of me moving was I drove 900 miles to one of the hottest places in the states in the summer, I discovered that I have no money, no supposed talents, changed my mind that I may have talents, spent what little money I did have on useless things, drove everywhere with my G.P.S. , realized that my home including my bed, my hateful cats, and my shitty car where all things I missed.

I realized that my life is not together and I have no idea what the fuck I want to do with my life. I work crappy 3rd shift hours, make little money , and I eat a lot of dollar menu meals and peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. I have student loans that are going to come in, I am not allowed to put any decorations on my walls, and I am alone. I realize that apparently everyone I know is getting married, pregnant , or engaged in some form. I realize that I am without a significant other that I 'm kinda not ok with that. I feel horrible that I don't work at my dream job, have my dream husband, dream house, or my 2.5 perfect children.

I take a breath and realize that I'm 23 not 80 I have a little time. I call my Mom , my brother , my friends, anyone who will listen and not judge me for crying at everything. I think about missing a major holiday and I cry, I have a crappy day at work and cry, I cry at a save the penguins commercial, and then I cry because I go to bed alone. I decide that I am tired of crying and I cry because I am tired, but then I actually feel a little better.

I decide I completely want to re-haul my entire life and I sign up for a 1/2 marathon, buy a book to learn Italian, and join Weight Watchers, make a budget, write a blog, sleep less and work more. I decide that my actual motivation 3 weeks after creating these changes is actually about zero and I don't follow through. I beat myself up for not following through on anything and vow to try harder. I try to schedule and plan my life and I realize like any other time I try to plan my life it just doesn't work. I loose hope, faith, and love in myself and the world around me, but then I realize it wasn't really lost just a little forgotten.

I am reminded by a good friend that this is exactly what I wanted. I wanted to live in the shitty apartment, pay too much for rent and food, learn to really love the taste of Ramon, work a shitty job for almost nothing, learn that money is actually kinda nice if you have it, and become immensely more grateful for sudden packages and cards from home. I vow to myself that I will stop playing it safe and I will actually chase my dreams and just do it. I apply to culinary school realize that 's not what I actually want to do, decide to apply for grad school realize that I'm completely unprepared for the GRE and hope I can just pass. Realize that if I don't pass I don't really care. I want to plan a vacation and actually take it. Allow love and gratitude to fill my life. Realize that everything will be ok in the end and if it's not ok then I haven't reach the end yet. And that the most important thing is to remember that an almost unbelievable amount of people love me regardless, even if I fail they will love me so even failure is not such a scary option.

And above all I pray that by the time I'm 25 I can just stop eating pasta and maybe actually eat a steak instead. But if not I better have lost some weight or at least have a damn fine ass from continually having to drag myself into and around a work area the size of downtown New York.