When things have become old... and yet here you are

I've realized since I have moved home that my life is totally different than I thought it would be. I don't know about you but it was never my dream to graduate college and move home again, only to go back to a job that I quit 8 months ago. I realize that in saying this that there are plenty of people who move home after college in order to adjust to things; and I am very grateful that I have a home and someone where to live. But this really wasn't my dream...

I guess I always felt like well I'll finish high school and go to college and then after that I will become a productive member of society and everything will be awesome. My life will fall into place, everything will be perfect, and my 20s will be the time of my life. Hahahaha (that's me laughing at myself and my plans.) The one thing college doesn't really prepare you for is Post Grad. The syndrome that afflicts over 82 percent of students. (btw I just made that statistic up but I'm pretty sure it's accurate.)

Post Grad- Is when you graduate college and you feel as though you are so full of potential that you can and will do anything and everything. Then as time passes and you are rejected by jobs that you are obviously qualified for and your amount of debt increases stage 2 of the syndrome becomes apparent. You feel as though you are qualified in nothing and that the last 4 or 5 years of your life has been a waste. Your debt seems insurmountable, you may have to move in with your parents, and your job you are probably over qualified for that and may actually hate it. You are probably working more hours and actually make less money, and you are pretty sure you are too old for any of the things you use to do in college a.k.a hang out in bars and stay out all night. In the final stages of PGS you realize that maybe you can actually do something with your life and you apply for a job that you actually like and you actually get it. Life starts looking up and you become a bit more stable.

Let me just tell you I am def. in stage 2 of PGS. I live at home with my parents (who thanks to them I actually have a place to sleep.), I'm working at the job I was at before I moved, I def. have some insane (at least what seems insane) debt, and I am pretty sure that if I try to go down to our local bar one more time I may shoot myself. I feel as though I have out grown so much and yet I am stuck here for a lack of options. And at times I am pretty sure I am gonna go insane. But and thank God there is a but for this sentence, I have to believe that this is gonna get better.

I have to believe that this is not my life this is just my life for right now. And it hasn't all been bad I've done some things I never thought I'd do. I told someone how I really feel, I moved, I came home, in the past few weeks I've experienced some great adventures, and I've found some friends who I didn't even know were really there. So maybe this is what life is about. Sometimes things suck there is not enough time or money, there is fights and pain, but there is also laughter, being brave, and experiencing some great things with great people. So maybe it's not about perfection but experience. So for now I am trying to enjoy the good things, grow from the bad, and in between all that get my life together.

Lent : So it's that time again

Alright so it has become that time again, no not Spring Break and not Summer time. It is the time of Lent. Lent starts off every year on Tuesday- now Fat Tuesday tends to be a lot of people's favorite holiday because it is the infamous Mardi Gra; the time period were people go out get stupid drunk and do stupid things only to wake up the next morning in their underwear with a billion plastic beads in some weird apartment that smells like stale booze and sex.

Now I'm sure that not everyone celebrates Mardi Gra quite like that for example I will happen to wake up tomorrow in my own room without a billion beads and my pants on. Obviously a win.

But anyway on with the tradition of Lent. Lent is a tradition that is practiced by a ton of people,most commonly though Catholics. Now the beauty of this is that I'm not Catholic (although secretly I think I may be Catholic, kinda like when I run I'm also a Kenyan) , so why would I choose to practice something that forces me to give up something, that I probably really like and/or enjoy. Well the answer is simple, because one year my church decided to follow in the tradition and actually practice Lent and I have practiced it ever since.

Now for my practice of Lent I usually require myself to give up something that I consider maybe not a great habit, such as swearing and something that I enjoy but could be if in excess bad, say drinking. Every year I give up swearing on Lent and every year I never make it the full 40 Days it requires. Some years I feel if I'm lucky to make it through week one.

This year I have decided to give up a few things, I am going to try very hard to stop swearing. Swearing is pretty much built into my vocabulary, but not to the point where I don't sensor myself around certain company. However if I am with acceptable company I swear like a sailor, sometimes a little worse. Something I'm sure my mother finds not only endearing but lady-like as well. (if you can't tell that is serious sarcasm). I have also decided to give up drink, including for Saint Patrick's Day - which is my favorite holiday next to Christmas and that I find an essential part of my Irish heritage. This will be the first year that I do not give myself a free pass for St. Patty's for Lent. I've decided to give up one other thing, but let's just say that one is kinda personal.

This year for Lent I want to focus on becoming the person I would like to be and holding myself accountable for the goals I set, as well as being able to create some healthy habits. Here is to a time period of reflection and growth. May I remember that there is beauty in the struggle and that anything worth having or doing is worth fighting for. May you all be blessed in this upcoming season.

I'll be home for Christmas... if only in my dreams

It's been quite a while since I've written and time has passed so quickly and it's already the time for Christmas. I can't believe that, I can't believe it's already time for Christmas. And the really funny thing is that it doesn't even feel like Christmas. Maybe it's because at this time of year I'm use to it being 40 degrees and snowy, or maybe it's because I'm 900 miles from my family and friends. But either way it just hasn't felt like Christmas. I've been tired and lonely and anything but " Merry", I've been stressed about money, life, and everything in between.

And it's been really hard since I haven't been enjoying the holidays because contrary to popular belief St. Patrick's Day is not my all time favorite holiday- Christmas is. Christmas has always been my favorite holiday even as a kid, I love all of the traditions that come out and come alive for this time of year I love lights and yes even some of the snow (first snows are always the prettiest).The great food and the massive amounts of baking that I haven't done in years.

This year I realized that I've gotten a little lost along the way. I've forgotten why I love the holidays and more importantly I realized that I may have lost a small part of myself, maybe not lost but I've buried it underneath all the trappings of adulthood- all the worry, anxiety, busyness of my life , and the pushing aside the things that actually matter . I've become one of those stories of the people who I said I won't let life and adulthood and my job, and my friendships and my responsibilities push away the things that actually matter. And I'm not saying I'm a total work- aholic and that all my life priorities are wrong because they aren't... but I've become out of balance and I've allowed that mis-alignment to take my happiness away from one of my favorite holidays and my life in general.

Times may be hard because I'm away from my family and those I love, it may be different because there isn't snow and it isn't cold, and money may be tight or virtually non-existent but I have plenty that I can be grateful for and maybe it's time I remember that. Maybe over the next week or so I'm gonna have to remind myself of that and start to change my attitude and my life.

Twenty Four

It is that time of year again when I usually look back on my year or my life in generally and I look at all the things I've done or haven't done, things I've learned along the way, the regrets and the things that I'm most proud of ... no it isn't New Years Eve at least not yet but it is my birthday and as I turn another year older I've discovered some basic truths about myself and life in general and because of my age and the copious amounts of wisdom I have , and from the insane desire I have just to hear myself talk I feel I'm qualified to share this wisdom with the world.

First: That I am done listening to everyone else but myself on what I want or should do in my life. Now this realization is not meant as a slight to the people in my life I know that I have ask several of you for advice or just someone that I can bounce ideas off of and that I do appreciate. But some people don't seem content to just give me advice solicited or other wise and they are more content to complain that I'm just not doing things right and that I need to have a plan. Well in case you all aren't aware it is MY life and I can do whatever I want as long as I am happy and I feel that, that is the direction I'm being led in.

Second: Much to correlate with the first point I have decided to travel and go abroad a for a while. No I do not know if I am going to grad school yet, and no I do not have a plan, and frankly I'm happy about that.

Third: In a seemingly contradictory statement I want to settle down and create my life, in saying that that does not mean that I want to get married tomorrow, have a child on Friday, or even buy a house for that matter. What it does mean is that I want to carve out my life in a place I love, with people I love, doing a job hopefully that I love - whether that be manager of a doggy day care or a doctor. The most important thing is that at the end of the day and the beginning of tomorrow I wake up and fall asleep knowing that my soul is satisfied with what I do. It also means that I want to stop living in this dorm/ permant college student lifestyle. I want to actually hang pictures up in my apartment (SEE POINT 4) and stop eating meals that come out of frozen packages that say the words Microwave on high for 4 minutes and then stir, and I actually want to get to know the name of my pharmacist, butcher, and all of those important people.

Fourth: I want to date/be in a relationship (of any kind) with a man not a boy. Meaning I want to date/ be involved with someone who posses these things: a car, an actual apartment or house with art and pictures in frames and permanently hung on walls- regardless of whether they can get their deposit back, actual jobs versus gigs that they occasionally pick up, and actual work wardrobe, and someone who actually pays bills on time and can follow a budget.

Finally there is a list of seemingly both unimportant and important things that I want to do in my life everything from going blonde to finding a job I love. I've decided that I'm just going to start doing these things, I keep saying that I'm going to wait for this time until I'm more stable, more happy, more whatever. Well there is no more time so I might as well start now. I mean I might as well start living the life I actually want, what am I waiting on. There is nothing to wait on but myself so why not just go.

So that's it in 24 years I've learned about myself, others, loss, happiness, pain , and regret. I've learned there will always be the things I want and I can either try and fail to get them or never get them at all. I've learned that some of your biggest failures lead to some of the best changes, and that sometimes what you thought would be the best option leaves you disappointed, and sometimes going back is not always bad and that bridges don't always have to be burned- sometimes they are just closed for a little while, and that not everyone will love you but the ones that do and the ones that stay are usually the best of the bunch. Heartache is both amazingly painful and amazingly beautiful and usually what is produces is just as beautiful, and that I want to fall in love many times because each time it is more beautiful than the last because each person that you fall in love with helps you to open up another part of your heart and your soul. And even though the risk is substantial, eventually you will find that forever type of love and you can know that all of your experiences have brought you here to this moment to right now and that you are exactly where you need to be.

Re-invention

Re-invention: the art of re-creating yourself into something or someone else. There are some people who are masters of the art of re-invention, Madonna, Lady Gaga, Cher. Masters of the art of making themselves new and current and always edgy and changing. I want to be a master of re-invention. Actually I just want to re-invent myself.

Some days I become become with everything, my hair color to my fashion to my hobbies and everything else in between. What if I re-invented myself, what if I became something different? What would I become? The possibilities seem endless. I could be the girl who becomes an athlete, or the partier or social butterfly, I could become the selfish one, the mellowed, hippie version of myself, the badass version, the strung out and stressed out version, the work-aholic, crafty Suzy- homemaker version. The adventurer, the loner, the well - rounded individual, the elitest, the must have a plan version, the no plan at all version.

The thing about re-invention is that is some ways it seems fake, it's all a part that someone plays and yet part of the re-invention are true. I am or have been in some aspect all of the things above, both the good and the bad. Some days I just feel like I just don't want to be me , and maybe some of that is an age thing, maybe I need to be more adult but even adults sometimes aren't happy with their lives and they have to make a change. So why can't I? Why can't I change the things I do and the places I go? What is stopping me? Absolutely nothing- that's what is so amazing I have the ability to change my life and there is absolutely nothing to stop me from doing it. Nothing that says I can't be the next athlete in the family, or the next beauty , or the next gifted student. I can be all of those things and more, and I think I'm just now starting to realize that I don't have to just be one thing, I don't have to just do one thing with my life I can do everything.

Caring

Caring: adjective /ˈke(ə)riNG/ 
1. Displaying kindness and concern for others

noun /ˈke(ə)riNG/ 
2. The work or practice of looking after those unable to care for themselves, esp. sick and elderly people

Being a caring individual isn’t a bad thing in fact I would argue that caring is what makes us human. But some people in this world are more caring than others, and that’s not to say that people don’t care but you know the people I’m talking about the friends, the family , the people who you don’t know at all you bend over backwards to make sure your happy , ok, and that your life is by at least what they can achieve perfect. I happen to be one of those people. I am not bragging (and in simply writing the statement I feel like I have to make sure I word it correctly so as not to offend anyone), but I am a natural born fixer. I don’t do it with everyone, but for the people I really care about- the people I love.

I’m not sure if it started from a circumstance or if I’ve just always been made to fix things, fix people. But what people don’t realize is that I will always put people above myself. I feel as though it is my God-given duty to fix your life and make sure you are ok, at most times to the determent of myself. I will run myself ragged and then continue to push myself because it’s what I do. I say “ suck it up” , and I deal with the difficulties myself God forbid I actually try to give someone responsibility for their own life or their actions. I just can’t seem to do that. Even in my head I can know that something isn’t my fault and yet I feel this innate responsibility to fix whatever the problem is. But sometimes I can’t fix it and sometimes (most times in fact) that is worse than anything else, it’s a failure that at times I can’t seem to cope with. Those are the times that I am more breakable and those are the times that people don’t see don’t know. And I become angry with myself and the people around me they want me to fix their problems and I can’t and I just want to be left alone and they just keep telling me their problems and I just keep obsessing about it and I can’t fix it and I keep trying and I keep failing.

I can’t keep doing this I feel so responsible for ensuring everyone’s happiness that I neglect my own and in turn I suffer in silence while the world spins by and the whole time I’m just angry because the people don’t care about all of the things I have or would give up to make sure they’re ok, and no one is asking if I’m ok.

I’m not writing all of this to make the world start asking “ Are you ok?” or “What can I do for you?” I just I had to get this out. I’m tired, I’m tired of caring about everyone but myself. I’m tired of not doing some of things that I want to do because I’m afraid the people I care about and my life at home will fall apart if I’m not there to spin all the plates on all the sticks at one time. At some point in my life I became one of those adults, one of the parents that cares so much for their children that they lose their self, and they become parts of who they used to be. They begin to live only for the happiness of others. And that is so exhausting. I don’t want to be responsible for others happiness , I want to be responsible for my own happiness and that terrifies me, because all I can think is what is going to happen to all the people I care about and what is going to happen to me and what if they fail? What if I fail? I’m not even sure how to stop being responsible for everyone else? How do I stop doing that, how do I just be?

A Maybe Disappointment

Sometimes I can become so stuck in my own head that it's hard for me to let go of an idea or a thought, something that is great when I'm writing or reading a story but awful if the idea or thought is damaging to my self-esteem or soul. The other day I was talking to my Mother and she mentioned how a couple of mutual friends were doing really well. The couples were married and had recently (within the last year) had children and she just said," ...you should see them they are doing really well."

And that one phrase apparently sent a myriad of thoughts through my head. It made me wonder does my Mother ever regret not being able to say that I only doing ok. I know that my family and my parents are proud of me and some of things I have done, but do they ever wonder like I do if this is it. Am I really gonna be a burn out at 23, and is everything ever gonna actually come together or am I always gonna be planning the next big thing... the next stage of my life. Am I ever gonna actually start doing something... and stop living in that perpetual stage of I don't knows, not enough money, and unable to support myself working jobs I hate life stage.

But more than the fact that I was worried about disappointing my family and those I love I was made aware of how many things are missing in my life. I'm not working the job I love, I am single and currently not dating, and most importantly it just made me remember how badly I want to be a mother and how terrified I am that it won't happen and that one day I'll wake up and be 40 and have nothing to show for it, I will be alone.

And I know that most reading this will say why are you worried you have plenty of time and on most days I would completely agree with you. I'm not ready to have a child when I can remember to feed my fish and not lose my cell phone and/ or debt card then I'll possible consider the thought of having a child... until that point (and let's be honest I don't see that happening any time soon)I'm not gonna worry. But it doesn't change the fact that I want children that I feel like that is ingrained in my psyche, and that being a mother is so important to me that sometimes I feel the loss of not having a child so strongly that it paralyzes me, and for a moment I become terrified of being alone.

Some days it's not just myself that I worry about disappointing but everyone else too. Those are the days when I have to dig really deep to remember that those around me love me regardless of what I do or don't do, that eventually some of these crazy plans are gonna come together, and eventually maybe just not right now my life will be exactly where I want it to be, and that this time right now is just a lay-over in my flight. But now eventually it will be time to go and catch my next plane.