A Maybe Disappointment

Sometimes I can become so stuck in my own head that it's hard for me to let go of an idea or a thought, something that is great when I'm writing or reading a story but awful if the idea or thought is damaging to my self-esteem or soul. The other day I was talking to my Mother and she mentioned how a couple of mutual friends were doing really well. The couples were married and had recently (within the last year) had children and she just said," ...you should see them they are doing really well."

And that one phrase apparently sent a myriad of thoughts through my head. It made me wonder does my Mother ever regret not being able to say that I only doing ok. I know that my family and my parents are proud of me and some of things I have done, but do they ever wonder like I do if this is it. Am I really gonna be a burn out at 23, and is everything ever gonna actually come together or am I always gonna be planning the next big thing... the next stage of my life. Am I ever gonna actually start doing something... and stop living in that perpetual stage of I don't knows, not enough money, and unable to support myself working jobs I hate life stage.

But more than the fact that I was worried about disappointing my family and those I love I was made aware of how many things are missing in my life. I'm not working the job I love, I am single and currently not dating, and most importantly it just made me remember how badly I want to be a mother and how terrified I am that it won't happen and that one day I'll wake up and be 40 and have nothing to show for it, I will be alone.

And I know that most reading this will say why are you worried you have plenty of time and on most days I would completely agree with you. I'm not ready to have a child when I can remember to feed my fish and not lose my cell phone and/ or debt card then I'll possible consider the thought of having a child... until that point (and let's be honest I don't see that happening any time soon)I'm not gonna worry. But it doesn't change the fact that I want children that I feel like that is ingrained in my psyche, and that being a mother is so important to me that sometimes I feel the loss of not having a child so strongly that it paralyzes me, and for a moment I become terrified of being alone.

Some days it's not just myself that I worry about disappointing but everyone else too. Those are the days when I have to dig really deep to remember that those around me love me regardless of what I do or don't do, that eventually some of these crazy plans are gonna come together, and eventually maybe just not right now my life will be exactly where I want it to be, and that this time right now is just a lay-over in my flight. But now eventually it will be time to go and catch my next plane.

Map of Life

So I'm reading this book called Life Now and it told me to sit down and write out at least a page about what my life would look like if I moved to one of my dream cities so this is my "map":

New York

Los Angeles

Korea/Tanzania/Ireland

I would move into a one bedroom walk up in Los Angeles or New York. I’d go to my favorite gym, probably one with a row of a million treadmills or maybe if it’s early I’d go for a run outside, and then following my Saturday tradition I’d head to my favorite café maybe a Starbucks, or my favorite local spot with a chill vibe and really friendly people who know me by name. And then after my coffee, reading the LA Times or a chapter of my new book on my Nook I’ll head back to my apartment grab my swimsuit and my dog and head to the beach. We’ll hop in the car and drive to the beach , sunbathing and playing in the surf. Then after coming home I’ll call some friends over and we will do an awesome BBQ or dinner, and I’ll actually be able to show off my cooking skills. I will be happy and confident with the life I’m leading, and because of that I will be able to be comfortable with someone else, we will call him Brian and maybe Brian and I will be living together maybe we won’t but I know we will be working hard and playing just as hard in a city we love. When the day is done and Sunday rolls around I’d like to wake up and do pancake Sundays and then after eating a billion calories in my yummy homemade pancakes, I then want to go outside with Brian and Dog and go for a hike in the canyons, spending time together in nature and with God just exploring the natural beauty around us. Monday morning dawns I will be excited to go to a job that I love working with a local or national agency helping people in some form whether that be teaching, or social work, or whatever. And even though I sometimes stress because I’m paying back student loans (hopefully I will actually have them paid off) I know I’m making it in my life. I’m paying car insurance and I’m making it on a job that really doesn’t pay a whole lot… I’m happy. I’m making a difference in people’s lives and that makes a difference in my life. I know that moving gives me the opportunity to be my true self and not the self that I think everyone should see I will be living a healthy lifestyle and I will have hit my goal weight. I am going to feel comfortable in my own skin and love myself. This will be my life, my dreams, and though they may be simple I think I will be happy. And when my work week is done I’m going to go to my own café and I’m going to serve people some of the best food they have ever eaten . And I’m not going to open a huge restaurant, but a small cozy place with organic, fresh food. Food brings people together and if they are going to eat it they should eat the best food available.

No Sir I Don't Have any Friggin' Milk

So this blog is only being written so that I can get out some of my general frustrations about working in the Happiest Place On Earth and with the public. So let me just say this is a blog for the asshole who yelled at because of some milk, the people who can't clean up after themselves, the 900 hundred degree weather and the continual rain.

Story time:

So there is a man who is obviously from the UK who comes over to my topping bar and asks me for cream for his tea. So I direct him to were the creamer is (it's liquid creamer btw) and he freaks out and he says, " No, I wanted Milk." And then I calmly explain to the man that I do not have milk over at the topping bar but that they have it at the counter and if you go right over there they will give you some. " Well, this is just ridiculous this is the second time that you have done this to me the counter sent me over here." I tell the man I'm sorry and that I don't have any milk but the counter will give you some. " Well can't you just go get me some." I go get the man his milk and he kind of thanks me. AWESOME.

Things you should take from this story:

1. Obviously sir, you are still not comprehending that I don't have milk on the topping bar.

2. You're welcome for the free milk that you just got.

3. I am working a 10 hour shift today, and this is not actually my job. I'm just covering for someone, so if you could be less of a jerk that would be cool.

My biggest pet peeve about people on vacation is they act like they don't have to have any responsibilities and that they can make a mess and not have to be responsible for it, cause hey they hire people to clean that. Well I (and everyone else who works in the park) bust our asses everyday to ensure that you have a nice vacation, so if you could make my job less difficult I'd love that.

Tip: Be nicer to your waiters, waitresses, maids, counter people, custodial staff, and everyone else because we will probably be here until 2 am and we have been working since 7. So please appreciate the effort that we put in to make this a wonderful place thanks.

No Habla English... Of Course

You know I would consider myself a pretty opened minded and culturally open person. I love seeing new cultures and meeting new people. In saying that what I am about to convey may sound a little nationalistic. So First let me convey that generally speaking I am not someone who believes that when you go somewhere knew you can't speak your native language or if you are bilingual your second language. But I do think you should make an attempt no matter how awful it is at the language of the country or place that you are in.

As many of you know I currently work in Disney World and sometimes I get very frustrated when all I hear is a mix of different languages, and it's not just the customers it's my co-workers yelling back and forth to different people, it's the tv downstairs in our break room, and then it's a large percentage of people I interact with on a daily basis. Sometimes I just want to scream at the top of my lungs speak English! Because one of my biggest pet peeves is when a tour group comes in and most of them are high school students so they no some English ignore us, don't pay attention, or just wander off. We are trying to help you and you are not helping yourself, therefore you are just getting frustrated. Join the club we have t-shirts they say Pay attention or No Food For You!

Anyway I thought I'd explain how sometimes all I wanna hear is a full English conversation and watch a ESPN in English... is that too much for a girl to ask?

Best Selling Novel..

So in case the general public didn't know which I'm sure most of you don't I am writing a book. And not just any book but one that is going to end up on the New York Times Best Seller List. Obviously by my totally humble attitude I'm going to be the next be writer. But in all seriousness this book is totally my baby and I only work on it in bits and pieces and because I usually follow the tradition of several writers and don't let people read my work before it is all finished I thought I'd give you all a treat. I wrote a little today and I thought you all might like to read a little of it. Just some information for you before you start. This book is a memoir and it is about my life, my experience both good and bad, and my faith. So here is a little piece, my writing is not censored and seems very journalistic. So it may not be a writing style everyone will enjoy reading but check it and let me know what you think.

One more thing, there is a Alice and Wonderland like them in my novel; so I make several, several references to it. Happy Reading:

It has been months since I have written anything honest and now that I am the words seem to be spiraling faster and faster , unable to be captured fast enough by my fingers pounding on the keys. It seems strange to be writing again, and yet there is an excitement underneath the surface of my soul that I haven’t felt in a long time. It soothes something inside of me to get the words out, the words that we use to describe feelings that at times seem indescribable. My life is seemingly in a chaotic spiral of good days and bad days. Today fortunately happens to be a good day. But as I sit here on the floor of a local bookstore trying to find my thoughts, my feelings, and myself I realize that I’m still a little lost. I’m still running around the rabbit hole trying to find my way home.

What would happen if I stopped running and stopped looking for home, what if I just stopped? The concept seems foreign and terrifying. But what would happen if I stopped? What if Alice had never gone home, what if she had stayed in Wonderland? But do I want to stay here? Would my life be easier if I gave up the search?- Absolutely. But if I stopped searching for myself, God, and everything else what would I lose? What would I gain? Would I gain the freedom I crave so much or would I be more chained down than I already am?

Someone once told me that there is beauty in everything, even in my broken humanness, my lostness, and cynicism. Beauty must truly be in the eye of the beholder, because I don’t see the beauty in broken pieces of glass and soul. I don’t see the beauty in tears and pain. I don’t see it. I can’t see it. I won’t see it.

But then I do, I see it in someone else’s brokenness; in the story of their triumphs, tragedy, and failures. And their brokenness reminds me of my own brokenness, my own humanness, my own faults and failures and it is both beautiful and terrifying all at the same time. To see myself reflected in others is not always something that I want to see. It’s difficult some days to face my own reflection to see the depth of the screwed-upness in my own soul let alone seeing it within others. Yet within all the difficulty of looking within my own soul and the other’s souls it seems fascinating still to observe the humanness of our own behaviors. I seem to find some sort of perverse satisfaction in watching the human condition unravel, but it’s not really the unraveling that has me fascinated but the rebuilding of self and of the life that those around me have. It gives me hope to see the horribleness of the human condition and the beauty of the condition at its best. When people including myself reach out to those around us, when total strangers show each other small acts of kindness it re-establishes my faith in the goodness of people even when my faith in my own goodness is shaken.

My searching seems to continue then for a way to control my humanness, to box all of my ability to fail and become flawless. But even the concept of that is in itself a flaw, I’m not stupid enough to believe that humanity has the ability to be flawless, far from it even in our attempts and striving for perfection we are flawed. But maybe that is the point. Maybe God or that higher power or whatever you believe created humanity just to point to their own perfection. Narcissistic seeming, but really not just a balancing of the sides; the balancing of the cosmic scales or something like that. For every perfection there is an imperfection; for every beautiful thing there is something ugly and unlovely. For every question there is an answer and for every need there is a sense of fulfillment. In looking at my own flaws this way it seems to make them less ugly and more just part of some cosmic equation, and yet even that seems cold and dead. Life must then not always be about maintaining cosmic balance, but about something else. The search, the game, the drive, the journey… what then is this all about? What is the point of my imperfection and is there any way to correct this seemingly grievous error about the human condition?

To Be Continued…..