A Maybe Disappointment

Sometimes I can become so stuck in my own head that it's hard for me to let go of an idea or a thought, something that is great when I'm writing or reading a story but awful if the idea or thought is damaging to my self-esteem or soul. The other day I was talking to my Mother and she mentioned how a couple of mutual friends were doing really well. The couples were married and had recently (within the last year) had children and she just said," ...you should see them they are doing really well."

And that one phrase apparently sent a myriad of thoughts through my head. It made me wonder does my Mother ever regret not being able to say that I only doing ok. I know that my family and my parents are proud of me and some of things I have done, but do they ever wonder like I do if this is it. Am I really gonna be a burn out at 23, and is everything ever gonna actually come together or am I always gonna be planning the next big thing... the next stage of my life. Am I ever gonna actually start doing something... and stop living in that perpetual stage of I don't knows, not enough money, and unable to support myself working jobs I hate life stage.

But more than the fact that I was worried about disappointing my family and those I love I was made aware of how many things are missing in my life. I'm not working the job I love, I am single and currently not dating, and most importantly it just made me remember how badly I want to be a mother and how terrified I am that it won't happen and that one day I'll wake up and be 40 and have nothing to show for it, I will be alone.

And I know that most reading this will say why are you worried you have plenty of time and on most days I would completely agree with you. I'm not ready to have a child when I can remember to feed my fish and not lose my cell phone and/ or debt card then I'll possible consider the thought of having a child... until that point (and let's be honest I don't see that happening any time soon)I'm not gonna worry. But it doesn't change the fact that I want children that I feel like that is ingrained in my psyche, and that being a mother is so important to me that sometimes I feel the loss of not having a child so strongly that it paralyzes me, and for a moment I become terrified of being alone.

Some days it's not just myself that I worry about disappointing but everyone else too. Those are the days when I have to dig really deep to remember that those around me love me regardless of what I do or don't do, that eventually some of these crazy plans are gonna come together, and eventually maybe just not right now my life will be exactly where I want it to be, and that this time right now is just a lay-over in my flight. But now eventually it will be time to go and catch my next plane.