Re-invention: the art of re-creating yourself into something or someone else. There are some people who are masters of the art of re-invention, Madonna, Lady Gaga, Cher. Masters of the art of making themselves new and current and always edgy and changing. I want to be a master of re-invention. Actually I just want to re-invent myself.
Some days I become become with everything, my hair color to my fashion to my hobbies and everything else in between. What if I re-invented myself, what if I became something different? What would I become? The possibilities seem endless. I could be the girl who becomes an athlete, or the partier or social butterfly, I could become the selfish one, the mellowed, hippie version of myself, the badass version, the strung out and stressed out version, the work-aholic, crafty Suzy- homemaker version. The adventurer, the loner, the well - rounded individual, the elitest, the must have a plan version, the no plan at all version.
The thing about re-invention is that is some ways it seems fake, it's all a part that someone plays and yet part of the re-invention are true. I am or have been in some aspect all of the things above, both the good and the bad. Some days I just feel like I just don't want to be me , and maybe some of that is an age thing, maybe I need to be more adult but even adults sometimes aren't happy with their lives and they have to make a change. So why can't I? Why can't I change the things I do and the places I go? What is stopping me? Absolutely nothing- that's what is so amazing I have the ability to change my life and there is absolutely nothing to stop me from doing it. Nothing that says I can't be the next athlete in the family, or the next beauty , or the next gifted student. I can be all of those things and more, and I think I'm just now starting to realize that I don't have to just be one thing, I don't have to just do one thing with my life I can do everything.
Sunday, October 16, 2011
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
Caring
Caring: adjective /ˈke(ə)riNG/
1. Displaying kindness and concern for others
noun /ˈke(ə)riNG/
2. The work or practice of looking after those unable to care for themselves, esp. sick and elderly people
Being a caring individual isn’t a bad thing in fact I would argue that caring is what makes us human. But some people in this world are more caring than others, and that’s not to say that people don’t care but you know the people I’m talking about the friends, the family , the people who you don’t know at all you bend over backwards to make sure your happy , ok, and that your life is by at least what they can achieve perfect. I happen to be one of those people. I am not bragging (and in simply writing the statement I feel like I have to make sure I word it correctly so as not to offend anyone), but I am a natural born fixer. I don’t do it with everyone, but for the people I really care about- the people I love.
I’m not sure if it started from a circumstance or if I’ve just always been made to fix things, fix people. But what people don’t realize is that I will always put people above myself. I feel as though it is my God-given duty to fix your life and make sure you are ok, at most times to the determent of myself. I will run myself ragged and then continue to push myself because it’s what I do. I say “ suck it up” , and I deal with the difficulties myself God forbid I actually try to give someone responsibility for their own life or their actions. I just can’t seem to do that. Even in my head I can know that something isn’t my fault and yet I feel this innate responsibility to fix whatever the problem is. But sometimes I can’t fix it and sometimes (most times in fact) that is worse than anything else, it’s a failure that at times I can’t seem to cope with. Those are the times that I am more breakable and those are the times that people don’t see don’t know. And I become angry with myself and the people around me they want me to fix their problems and I can’t and I just want to be left alone and they just keep telling me their problems and I just keep obsessing about it and I can’t fix it and I keep trying and I keep failing.
I can’t keep doing this I feel so responsible for ensuring everyone’s happiness that I neglect my own and in turn I suffer in silence while the world spins by and the whole time I’m just angry because the people don’t care about all of the things I have or would give up to make sure they’re ok, and no one is asking if I’m ok.
I’m not writing all of this to make the world start asking “ Are you ok?” or “What can I do for you?” I just I had to get this out. I’m tired, I’m tired of caring about everyone but myself. I’m tired of not doing some of things that I want to do because I’m afraid the people I care about and my life at home will fall apart if I’m not there to spin all the plates on all the sticks at one time. At some point in my life I became one of those adults, one of the parents that cares so much for their children that they lose their self, and they become parts of who they used to be. They begin to live only for the happiness of others. And that is so exhausting. I don’t want to be responsible for others happiness , I want to be responsible for my own happiness and that terrifies me, because all I can think is what is going to happen to all the people I care about and what is going to happen to me and what if they fail? What if I fail? I’m not even sure how to stop being responsible for everyone else? How do I stop doing that, how do I just be?
1. Displaying kindness and concern for others
noun /ˈke(ə)riNG/
2. The work or practice of looking after those unable to care for themselves, esp. sick and elderly people
Being a caring individual isn’t a bad thing in fact I would argue that caring is what makes us human. But some people in this world are more caring than others, and that’s not to say that people don’t care but you know the people I’m talking about the friends, the family , the people who you don’t know at all you bend over backwards to make sure your happy , ok, and that your life is by at least what they can achieve perfect. I happen to be one of those people. I am not bragging (and in simply writing the statement I feel like I have to make sure I word it correctly so as not to offend anyone), but I am a natural born fixer. I don’t do it with everyone, but for the people I really care about- the people I love.
I’m not sure if it started from a circumstance or if I’ve just always been made to fix things, fix people. But what people don’t realize is that I will always put people above myself. I feel as though it is my God-given duty to fix your life and make sure you are ok, at most times to the determent of myself. I will run myself ragged and then continue to push myself because it’s what I do. I say “ suck it up” , and I deal with the difficulties myself God forbid I actually try to give someone responsibility for their own life or their actions. I just can’t seem to do that. Even in my head I can know that something isn’t my fault and yet I feel this innate responsibility to fix whatever the problem is. But sometimes I can’t fix it and sometimes (most times in fact) that is worse than anything else, it’s a failure that at times I can’t seem to cope with. Those are the times that I am more breakable and those are the times that people don’t see don’t know. And I become angry with myself and the people around me they want me to fix their problems and I can’t and I just want to be left alone and they just keep telling me their problems and I just keep obsessing about it and I can’t fix it and I keep trying and I keep failing.
I can’t keep doing this I feel so responsible for ensuring everyone’s happiness that I neglect my own and in turn I suffer in silence while the world spins by and the whole time I’m just angry because the people don’t care about all of the things I have or would give up to make sure they’re ok, and no one is asking if I’m ok.
I’m not writing all of this to make the world start asking “ Are you ok?” or “What can I do for you?” I just I had to get this out. I’m tired, I’m tired of caring about everyone but myself. I’m tired of not doing some of things that I want to do because I’m afraid the people I care about and my life at home will fall apart if I’m not there to spin all the plates on all the sticks at one time. At some point in my life I became one of those adults, one of the parents that cares so much for their children that they lose their self, and they become parts of who they used to be. They begin to live only for the happiness of others. And that is so exhausting. I don’t want to be responsible for others happiness , I want to be responsible for my own happiness and that terrifies me, because all I can think is what is going to happen to all the people I care about and what is going to happen to me and what if they fail? What if I fail? I’m not even sure how to stop being responsible for everyone else? How do I stop doing that, how do I just be?
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