Caring

Caring: adjective /ˈke(ə)riNG/ 
1. Displaying kindness and concern for others

noun /ˈke(ə)riNG/ 
2. The work or practice of looking after those unable to care for themselves, esp. sick and elderly people

Being a caring individual isn’t a bad thing in fact I would argue that caring is what makes us human. But some people in this world are more caring than others, and that’s not to say that people don’t care but you know the people I’m talking about the friends, the family , the people who you don’t know at all you bend over backwards to make sure your happy , ok, and that your life is by at least what they can achieve perfect. I happen to be one of those people. I am not bragging (and in simply writing the statement I feel like I have to make sure I word it correctly so as not to offend anyone), but I am a natural born fixer. I don’t do it with everyone, but for the people I really care about- the people I love.

I’m not sure if it started from a circumstance or if I’ve just always been made to fix things, fix people. But what people don’t realize is that I will always put people above myself. I feel as though it is my God-given duty to fix your life and make sure you are ok, at most times to the determent of myself. I will run myself ragged and then continue to push myself because it’s what I do. I say “ suck it up” , and I deal with the difficulties myself God forbid I actually try to give someone responsibility for their own life or their actions. I just can’t seem to do that. Even in my head I can know that something isn’t my fault and yet I feel this innate responsibility to fix whatever the problem is. But sometimes I can’t fix it and sometimes (most times in fact) that is worse than anything else, it’s a failure that at times I can’t seem to cope with. Those are the times that I am more breakable and those are the times that people don’t see don’t know. And I become angry with myself and the people around me they want me to fix their problems and I can’t and I just want to be left alone and they just keep telling me their problems and I just keep obsessing about it and I can’t fix it and I keep trying and I keep failing.

I can’t keep doing this I feel so responsible for ensuring everyone’s happiness that I neglect my own and in turn I suffer in silence while the world spins by and the whole time I’m just angry because the people don’t care about all of the things I have or would give up to make sure they’re ok, and no one is asking if I’m ok.

I’m not writing all of this to make the world start asking “ Are you ok?” or “What can I do for you?” I just I had to get this out. I’m tired, I’m tired of caring about everyone but myself. I’m tired of not doing some of things that I want to do because I’m afraid the people I care about and my life at home will fall apart if I’m not there to spin all the plates on all the sticks at one time. At some point in my life I became one of those adults, one of the parents that cares so much for their children that they lose their self, and they become parts of who they used to be. They begin to live only for the happiness of others. And that is so exhausting. I don’t want to be responsible for others happiness , I want to be responsible for my own happiness and that terrifies me, because all I can think is what is going to happen to all the people I care about and what is going to happen to me and what if they fail? What if I fail? I’m not even sure how to stop being responsible for everyone else? How do I stop doing that, how do I just be?