First: That I am done listening to everyone else but myself on what I want or should do in my life. Now this realization is not meant as a slight to the people in my life I know that I have ask several of you for advice or just someone that I can bounce ideas off of and that I do appreciate. But some people don't seem content to just give me advice solicited or other wise and they are more content to complain that I'm just not doing things right and that I need to have a plan. Well in case you all aren't aware it is MY life and I can do whatever I want as long as I am happy and I feel that, that is the direction I'm being led in.
Second: Much to correlate with the first point I have decided to travel and go abroad a for a while. No I do not know if I am going to grad school yet, and no I do not have a plan, and frankly I'm happy about that.
Third: In a seemingly contradictory statement I want to settle down and create my life, in saying that that does not mean that I want to get married tomorrow, have a child on Friday, or even buy a house for that matter. What it does mean is that I want to carve out my life in a place I love, with people I love, doing a job hopefully that I love - whether that be manager of a doggy day care or a doctor. The most important thing is that at the end of the day and the beginning of tomorrow I wake up and fall asleep knowing that my soul is satisfied with what I do. It also means that I want to stop living in this dorm/ permant college student lifestyle. I want to actually hang pictures up in my apartment (SEE POINT 4) and stop eating meals that come out of frozen packages that say the words Microwave on high for 4 minutes and then stir, and I actually want to get to know the name of my pharmacist, butcher, and all of those important people.
Fourth: I want to date/be in a relationship (of any kind) with a man not a boy. Meaning I want to date/ be involved with someone who posses these things: a car, an actual apartment or house with art and pictures in frames and permanently hung on walls- regardless of whether they can get their deposit back, actual jobs versus gigs that they occasionally pick up, and actual work wardrobe, and someone who actually pays bills on time and can follow a budget.
Finally there is a list of seemingly both unimportant and important things that I want to do in my life everything from going blonde to finding a job I love. I've decided that I'm just going to start doing these things, I keep saying that I'm going to wait for this time until I'm more stable, more happy, more whatever. Well there is no more time so I might as well start now. I mean I might as well start living the life I actually want, what am I waiting on. There is nothing to wait on but myself so why not just go.
So that's it in 24 years I've learned about myself, others, loss, happiness, pain , and regret. I've learned there will always be the things I want and I can either try and fail to get them or never get them at all. I've learned that some of your biggest failures lead to some of the best changes, and that sometimes what you thought would be the best option leaves you disappointed, and sometimes going back is not always bad and that bridges don't always have to be burned- sometimes they are just closed for a little while, and that not everyone will love you but the ones that do and the ones that stay are usually the best of the bunch. Heartache is both amazingly painful and amazingly beautiful and usually what is produces is just as beautiful, and that I want to fall in love many times because each time it is more beautiful than the last because each person that you fall in love with helps you to open up another part of your heart and your soul. And even though the risk is substantial, eventually you will find that forever type of love and you can know that all of your experiences have brought you here to this moment to right now and that you are exactly where you need to be.
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