I'll be home for Christmas... if only in my dreams

It's been quite a while since I've written and time has passed so quickly and it's already the time for Christmas. I can't believe that, I can't believe it's already time for Christmas. And the really funny thing is that it doesn't even feel like Christmas. Maybe it's because at this time of year I'm use to it being 40 degrees and snowy, or maybe it's because I'm 900 miles from my family and friends. But either way it just hasn't felt like Christmas. I've been tired and lonely and anything but " Merry", I've been stressed about money, life, and everything in between.

And it's been really hard since I haven't been enjoying the holidays because contrary to popular belief St. Patrick's Day is not my all time favorite holiday- Christmas is. Christmas has always been my favorite holiday even as a kid, I love all of the traditions that come out and come alive for this time of year I love lights and yes even some of the snow (first snows are always the prettiest).The great food and the massive amounts of baking that I haven't done in years.

This year I realized that I've gotten a little lost along the way. I've forgotten why I love the holidays and more importantly I realized that I may have lost a small part of myself, maybe not lost but I've buried it underneath all the trappings of adulthood- all the worry, anxiety, busyness of my life , and the pushing aside the things that actually matter . I've become one of those stories of the people who I said I won't let life and adulthood and my job, and my friendships and my responsibilities push away the things that actually matter. And I'm not saying I'm a total work- aholic and that all my life priorities are wrong because they aren't... but I've become out of balance and I've allowed that mis-alignment to take my happiness away from one of my favorite holidays and my life in general.

Times may be hard because I'm away from my family and those I love, it may be different because there isn't snow and it isn't cold, and money may be tight or virtually non-existent but I have plenty that I can be grateful for and maybe it's time I remember that. Maybe over the next week or so I'm gonna have to remind myself of that and start to change my attitude and my life.

Twenty Four

It is that time of year again when I usually look back on my year or my life in generally and I look at all the things I've done or haven't done, things I've learned along the way, the regrets and the things that I'm most proud of ... no it isn't New Years Eve at least not yet but it is my birthday and as I turn another year older I've discovered some basic truths about myself and life in general and because of my age and the copious amounts of wisdom I have , and from the insane desire I have just to hear myself talk I feel I'm qualified to share this wisdom with the world.

First: That I am done listening to everyone else but myself on what I want or should do in my life. Now this realization is not meant as a slight to the people in my life I know that I have ask several of you for advice or just someone that I can bounce ideas off of and that I do appreciate. But some people don't seem content to just give me advice solicited or other wise and they are more content to complain that I'm just not doing things right and that I need to have a plan. Well in case you all aren't aware it is MY life and I can do whatever I want as long as I am happy and I feel that, that is the direction I'm being led in.

Second: Much to correlate with the first point I have decided to travel and go abroad a for a while. No I do not know if I am going to grad school yet, and no I do not have a plan, and frankly I'm happy about that.

Third: In a seemingly contradictory statement I want to settle down and create my life, in saying that that does not mean that I want to get married tomorrow, have a child on Friday, or even buy a house for that matter. What it does mean is that I want to carve out my life in a place I love, with people I love, doing a job hopefully that I love - whether that be manager of a doggy day care or a doctor. The most important thing is that at the end of the day and the beginning of tomorrow I wake up and fall asleep knowing that my soul is satisfied with what I do. It also means that I want to stop living in this dorm/ permant college student lifestyle. I want to actually hang pictures up in my apartment (SEE POINT 4) and stop eating meals that come out of frozen packages that say the words Microwave on high for 4 minutes and then stir, and I actually want to get to know the name of my pharmacist, butcher, and all of those important people.

Fourth: I want to date/be in a relationship (of any kind) with a man not a boy. Meaning I want to date/ be involved with someone who posses these things: a car, an actual apartment or house with art and pictures in frames and permanently hung on walls- regardless of whether they can get their deposit back, actual jobs versus gigs that they occasionally pick up, and actual work wardrobe, and someone who actually pays bills on time and can follow a budget.

Finally there is a list of seemingly both unimportant and important things that I want to do in my life everything from going blonde to finding a job I love. I've decided that I'm just going to start doing these things, I keep saying that I'm going to wait for this time until I'm more stable, more happy, more whatever. Well there is no more time so I might as well start now. I mean I might as well start living the life I actually want, what am I waiting on. There is nothing to wait on but myself so why not just go.

So that's it in 24 years I've learned about myself, others, loss, happiness, pain , and regret. I've learned there will always be the things I want and I can either try and fail to get them or never get them at all. I've learned that some of your biggest failures lead to some of the best changes, and that sometimes what you thought would be the best option leaves you disappointed, and sometimes going back is not always bad and that bridges don't always have to be burned- sometimes they are just closed for a little while, and that not everyone will love you but the ones that do and the ones that stay are usually the best of the bunch. Heartache is both amazingly painful and amazingly beautiful and usually what is produces is just as beautiful, and that I want to fall in love many times because each time it is more beautiful than the last because each person that you fall in love with helps you to open up another part of your heart and your soul. And even though the risk is substantial, eventually you will find that forever type of love and you can know that all of your experiences have brought you here to this moment to right now and that you are exactly where you need to be.

Re-invention

Re-invention: the art of re-creating yourself into something or someone else. There are some people who are masters of the art of re-invention, Madonna, Lady Gaga, Cher. Masters of the art of making themselves new and current and always edgy and changing. I want to be a master of re-invention. Actually I just want to re-invent myself.

Some days I become become with everything, my hair color to my fashion to my hobbies and everything else in between. What if I re-invented myself, what if I became something different? What would I become? The possibilities seem endless. I could be the girl who becomes an athlete, or the partier or social butterfly, I could become the selfish one, the mellowed, hippie version of myself, the badass version, the strung out and stressed out version, the work-aholic, crafty Suzy- homemaker version. The adventurer, the loner, the well - rounded individual, the elitest, the must have a plan version, the no plan at all version.

The thing about re-invention is that is some ways it seems fake, it's all a part that someone plays and yet part of the re-invention are true. I am or have been in some aspect all of the things above, both the good and the bad. Some days I just feel like I just don't want to be me , and maybe some of that is an age thing, maybe I need to be more adult but even adults sometimes aren't happy with their lives and they have to make a change. So why can't I? Why can't I change the things I do and the places I go? What is stopping me? Absolutely nothing- that's what is so amazing I have the ability to change my life and there is absolutely nothing to stop me from doing it. Nothing that says I can't be the next athlete in the family, or the next beauty , or the next gifted student. I can be all of those things and more, and I think I'm just now starting to realize that I don't have to just be one thing, I don't have to just do one thing with my life I can do everything.

Caring

Caring: adjective /ˈke(ə)riNG/ 
1. Displaying kindness and concern for others

noun /ˈke(ə)riNG/ 
2. The work or practice of looking after those unable to care for themselves, esp. sick and elderly people

Being a caring individual isn’t a bad thing in fact I would argue that caring is what makes us human. But some people in this world are more caring than others, and that’s not to say that people don’t care but you know the people I’m talking about the friends, the family , the people who you don’t know at all you bend over backwards to make sure your happy , ok, and that your life is by at least what they can achieve perfect. I happen to be one of those people. I am not bragging (and in simply writing the statement I feel like I have to make sure I word it correctly so as not to offend anyone), but I am a natural born fixer. I don’t do it with everyone, but for the people I really care about- the people I love.

I’m not sure if it started from a circumstance or if I’ve just always been made to fix things, fix people. But what people don’t realize is that I will always put people above myself. I feel as though it is my God-given duty to fix your life and make sure you are ok, at most times to the determent of myself. I will run myself ragged and then continue to push myself because it’s what I do. I say “ suck it up” , and I deal with the difficulties myself God forbid I actually try to give someone responsibility for their own life or their actions. I just can’t seem to do that. Even in my head I can know that something isn’t my fault and yet I feel this innate responsibility to fix whatever the problem is. But sometimes I can’t fix it and sometimes (most times in fact) that is worse than anything else, it’s a failure that at times I can’t seem to cope with. Those are the times that I am more breakable and those are the times that people don’t see don’t know. And I become angry with myself and the people around me they want me to fix their problems and I can’t and I just want to be left alone and they just keep telling me their problems and I just keep obsessing about it and I can’t fix it and I keep trying and I keep failing.

I can’t keep doing this I feel so responsible for ensuring everyone’s happiness that I neglect my own and in turn I suffer in silence while the world spins by and the whole time I’m just angry because the people don’t care about all of the things I have or would give up to make sure they’re ok, and no one is asking if I’m ok.

I’m not writing all of this to make the world start asking “ Are you ok?” or “What can I do for you?” I just I had to get this out. I’m tired, I’m tired of caring about everyone but myself. I’m tired of not doing some of things that I want to do because I’m afraid the people I care about and my life at home will fall apart if I’m not there to spin all the plates on all the sticks at one time. At some point in my life I became one of those adults, one of the parents that cares so much for their children that they lose their self, and they become parts of who they used to be. They begin to live only for the happiness of others. And that is so exhausting. I don’t want to be responsible for others happiness , I want to be responsible for my own happiness and that terrifies me, because all I can think is what is going to happen to all the people I care about and what is going to happen to me and what if they fail? What if I fail? I’m not even sure how to stop being responsible for everyone else? How do I stop doing that, how do I just be?

A Maybe Disappointment

Sometimes I can become so stuck in my own head that it's hard for me to let go of an idea or a thought, something that is great when I'm writing or reading a story but awful if the idea or thought is damaging to my self-esteem or soul. The other day I was talking to my Mother and she mentioned how a couple of mutual friends were doing really well. The couples were married and had recently (within the last year) had children and she just said," ...you should see them they are doing really well."

And that one phrase apparently sent a myriad of thoughts through my head. It made me wonder does my Mother ever regret not being able to say that I only doing ok. I know that my family and my parents are proud of me and some of things I have done, but do they ever wonder like I do if this is it. Am I really gonna be a burn out at 23, and is everything ever gonna actually come together or am I always gonna be planning the next big thing... the next stage of my life. Am I ever gonna actually start doing something... and stop living in that perpetual stage of I don't knows, not enough money, and unable to support myself working jobs I hate life stage.

But more than the fact that I was worried about disappointing my family and those I love I was made aware of how many things are missing in my life. I'm not working the job I love, I am single and currently not dating, and most importantly it just made me remember how badly I want to be a mother and how terrified I am that it won't happen and that one day I'll wake up and be 40 and have nothing to show for it, I will be alone.

And I know that most reading this will say why are you worried you have plenty of time and on most days I would completely agree with you. I'm not ready to have a child when I can remember to feed my fish and not lose my cell phone and/ or debt card then I'll possible consider the thought of having a child... until that point (and let's be honest I don't see that happening any time soon)I'm not gonna worry. But it doesn't change the fact that I want children that I feel like that is ingrained in my psyche, and that being a mother is so important to me that sometimes I feel the loss of not having a child so strongly that it paralyzes me, and for a moment I become terrified of being alone.

Some days it's not just myself that I worry about disappointing but everyone else too. Those are the days when I have to dig really deep to remember that those around me love me regardless of what I do or don't do, that eventually some of these crazy plans are gonna come together, and eventually maybe just not right now my life will be exactly where I want it to be, and that this time right now is just a lay-over in my flight. But now eventually it will be time to go and catch my next plane.

Map of Life

So I'm reading this book called Life Now and it told me to sit down and write out at least a page about what my life would look like if I moved to one of my dream cities so this is my "map":

New York

Los Angeles

Korea/Tanzania/Ireland

I would move into a one bedroom walk up in Los Angeles or New York. I’d go to my favorite gym, probably one with a row of a million treadmills or maybe if it’s early I’d go for a run outside, and then following my Saturday tradition I’d head to my favorite café maybe a Starbucks, or my favorite local spot with a chill vibe and really friendly people who know me by name. And then after my coffee, reading the LA Times or a chapter of my new book on my Nook I’ll head back to my apartment grab my swimsuit and my dog and head to the beach. We’ll hop in the car and drive to the beach , sunbathing and playing in the surf. Then after coming home I’ll call some friends over and we will do an awesome BBQ or dinner, and I’ll actually be able to show off my cooking skills. I will be happy and confident with the life I’m leading, and because of that I will be able to be comfortable with someone else, we will call him Brian and maybe Brian and I will be living together maybe we won’t but I know we will be working hard and playing just as hard in a city we love. When the day is done and Sunday rolls around I’d like to wake up and do pancake Sundays and then after eating a billion calories in my yummy homemade pancakes, I then want to go outside with Brian and Dog and go for a hike in the canyons, spending time together in nature and with God just exploring the natural beauty around us. Monday morning dawns I will be excited to go to a job that I love working with a local or national agency helping people in some form whether that be teaching, or social work, or whatever. And even though I sometimes stress because I’m paying back student loans (hopefully I will actually have them paid off) I know I’m making it in my life. I’m paying car insurance and I’m making it on a job that really doesn’t pay a whole lot… I’m happy. I’m making a difference in people’s lives and that makes a difference in my life. I know that moving gives me the opportunity to be my true self and not the self that I think everyone should see I will be living a healthy lifestyle and I will have hit my goal weight. I am going to feel comfortable in my own skin and love myself. This will be my life, my dreams, and though they may be simple I think I will be happy. And when my work week is done I’m going to go to my own café and I’m going to serve people some of the best food they have ever eaten . And I’m not going to open a huge restaurant, but a small cozy place with organic, fresh food. Food brings people together and if they are going to eat it they should eat the best food available.

No Sir I Don't Have any Friggin' Milk

So this blog is only being written so that I can get out some of my general frustrations about working in the Happiest Place On Earth and with the public. So let me just say this is a blog for the asshole who yelled at because of some milk, the people who can't clean up after themselves, the 900 hundred degree weather and the continual rain.

Story time:

So there is a man who is obviously from the UK who comes over to my topping bar and asks me for cream for his tea. So I direct him to were the creamer is (it's liquid creamer btw) and he freaks out and he says, " No, I wanted Milk." And then I calmly explain to the man that I do not have milk over at the topping bar but that they have it at the counter and if you go right over there they will give you some. " Well, this is just ridiculous this is the second time that you have done this to me the counter sent me over here." I tell the man I'm sorry and that I don't have any milk but the counter will give you some. " Well can't you just go get me some." I go get the man his milk and he kind of thanks me. AWESOME.

Things you should take from this story:

1. Obviously sir, you are still not comprehending that I don't have milk on the topping bar.

2. You're welcome for the free milk that you just got.

3. I am working a 10 hour shift today, and this is not actually my job. I'm just covering for someone, so if you could be less of a jerk that would be cool.

My biggest pet peeve about people on vacation is they act like they don't have to have any responsibilities and that they can make a mess and not have to be responsible for it, cause hey they hire people to clean that. Well I (and everyone else who works in the park) bust our asses everyday to ensure that you have a nice vacation, so if you could make my job less difficult I'd love that.

Tip: Be nicer to your waiters, waitresses, maids, counter people, custodial staff, and everyone else because we will probably be here until 2 am and we have been working since 7. So please appreciate the effort that we put in to make this a wonderful place thanks.

No Habla English... Of Course

You know I would consider myself a pretty opened minded and culturally open person. I love seeing new cultures and meeting new people. In saying that what I am about to convey may sound a little nationalistic. So First let me convey that generally speaking I am not someone who believes that when you go somewhere knew you can't speak your native language or if you are bilingual your second language. But I do think you should make an attempt no matter how awful it is at the language of the country or place that you are in.

As many of you know I currently work in Disney World and sometimes I get very frustrated when all I hear is a mix of different languages, and it's not just the customers it's my co-workers yelling back and forth to different people, it's the tv downstairs in our break room, and then it's a large percentage of people I interact with on a daily basis. Sometimes I just want to scream at the top of my lungs speak English! Because one of my biggest pet peeves is when a tour group comes in and most of them are high school students so they no some English ignore us, don't pay attention, or just wander off. We are trying to help you and you are not helping yourself, therefore you are just getting frustrated. Join the club we have t-shirts they say Pay attention or No Food For You!

Anyway I thought I'd explain how sometimes all I wanna hear is a full English conversation and watch a ESPN in English... is that too much for a girl to ask?

Best Selling Novel..

So in case the general public didn't know which I'm sure most of you don't I am writing a book. And not just any book but one that is going to end up on the New York Times Best Seller List. Obviously by my totally humble attitude I'm going to be the next be writer. But in all seriousness this book is totally my baby and I only work on it in bits and pieces and because I usually follow the tradition of several writers and don't let people read my work before it is all finished I thought I'd give you all a treat. I wrote a little today and I thought you all might like to read a little of it. Just some information for you before you start. This book is a memoir and it is about my life, my experience both good and bad, and my faith. So here is a little piece, my writing is not censored and seems very journalistic. So it may not be a writing style everyone will enjoy reading but check it and let me know what you think.

One more thing, there is a Alice and Wonderland like them in my novel; so I make several, several references to it. Happy Reading:

It has been months since I have written anything honest and now that I am the words seem to be spiraling faster and faster , unable to be captured fast enough by my fingers pounding on the keys. It seems strange to be writing again, and yet there is an excitement underneath the surface of my soul that I haven’t felt in a long time. It soothes something inside of me to get the words out, the words that we use to describe feelings that at times seem indescribable. My life is seemingly in a chaotic spiral of good days and bad days. Today fortunately happens to be a good day. But as I sit here on the floor of a local bookstore trying to find my thoughts, my feelings, and myself I realize that I’m still a little lost. I’m still running around the rabbit hole trying to find my way home.

What would happen if I stopped running and stopped looking for home, what if I just stopped? The concept seems foreign and terrifying. But what would happen if I stopped? What if Alice had never gone home, what if she had stayed in Wonderland? But do I want to stay here? Would my life be easier if I gave up the search?- Absolutely. But if I stopped searching for myself, God, and everything else what would I lose? What would I gain? Would I gain the freedom I crave so much or would I be more chained down than I already am?

Someone once told me that there is beauty in everything, even in my broken humanness, my lostness, and cynicism. Beauty must truly be in the eye of the beholder, because I don’t see the beauty in broken pieces of glass and soul. I don’t see the beauty in tears and pain. I don’t see it. I can’t see it. I won’t see it.

But then I do, I see it in someone else’s brokenness; in the story of their triumphs, tragedy, and failures. And their brokenness reminds me of my own brokenness, my own humanness, my own faults and failures and it is both beautiful and terrifying all at the same time. To see myself reflected in others is not always something that I want to see. It’s difficult some days to face my own reflection to see the depth of the screwed-upness in my own soul let alone seeing it within others. Yet within all the difficulty of looking within my own soul and the other’s souls it seems fascinating still to observe the humanness of our own behaviors. I seem to find some sort of perverse satisfaction in watching the human condition unravel, but it’s not really the unraveling that has me fascinated but the rebuilding of self and of the life that those around me have. It gives me hope to see the horribleness of the human condition and the beauty of the condition at its best. When people including myself reach out to those around us, when total strangers show each other small acts of kindness it re-establishes my faith in the goodness of people even when my faith in my own goodness is shaken.

My searching seems to continue then for a way to control my humanness, to box all of my ability to fail and become flawless. But even the concept of that is in itself a flaw, I’m not stupid enough to believe that humanity has the ability to be flawless, far from it even in our attempts and striving for perfection we are flawed. But maybe that is the point. Maybe God or that higher power or whatever you believe created humanity just to point to their own perfection. Narcissistic seeming, but really not just a balancing of the sides; the balancing of the cosmic scales or something like that. For every perfection there is an imperfection; for every beautiful thing there is something ugly and unlovely. For every question there is an answer and for every need there is a sense of fulfillment. In looking at my own flaws this way it seems to make them less ugly and more just part of some cosmic equation, and yet even that seems cold and dead. Life must then not always be about maintaining cosmic balance, but about something else. The search, the game, the drive, the journey… what then is this all about? What is the point of my imperfection and is there any way to correct this seemingly grievous error about the human condition?

To Be Continued…..

40 Dollars, Groceries, and Adulthood

So I've finally become an adult, well that sucks. Not really I am actually quite proud of my latest adult achievement so proud in fact that I am dedicating this blog to the amazing achievement. After a about a month of shopping at the local Wal-mart about a mile from my apartment I have come to three very important conclusions:

1. Wal-mart is insanely expensive in Florida.

2. All of the tourist in ALL of Florida seem to frequent my local Wal-mart, and therefore they are always massively crowded.

3. Because of the above mentioned tourists my Wal-mart tends to frequently be out of the essentials such as bread.

What these three conclusions add up to is that I made a plan to venture past my local Wal-mart to an actual grocery store... more commonly known as Publix to the local Floridians. I would like to first mention that I found the store without using my gps YAY! Not as directionally retarded as I thought! Not only did I found the store but before I went to the store I sat down and planned out an entire weeks menu, so I would know exactly what to get.

After completing my menu and subsequently the list that followed I wandered down to the store after work. I had set a general budget of 40 d0llars for this week. Not only did I get all of the groceries that I wanted I came in under my budget it was at 37.00 dollars and then came to 42.00 with taxes! I was so proud of this accomplishment that I had to call my Mom on the phone and tell her all about it.

Oh and I forgot to mention that one of the things I wanted to get was chicken, well all of the chicken was is packages that were too big for me, so I was even more of an adult and I asked the deli counter man if they split packages and they did, so he split my chicken for me and helped me stay under budget!

It seems silly to be so proud of such an accomplishment but I felt so good about it. Not only did it prove that I could be smart with my money but I could also actually make it on my crappy paychecks and not feel like I was gonna starve! So all in all I'd consider today an epic win! Score 1 for me , take that quarter-life crisis!

Knocked Up... And Still Classy

First I'd like to make a disclaimer that I am in fact NOT PREGNANT... yes you read that correctly I am NOT PREGNANT, so everyone simmer down and breathe. So tonight I was hanging out in the living room with my roomies and we were watching Knocked Up. And as I'm watching this movie I realize that a couple of things they mention are actually really smart and really true. One of my favorite scenes in this movie is when Ben (Seth Rogan's character) is explaining to his dad that he has accidentally gotten his one night stand pregnant. Here's how it plays out:

Seth : This is a disaster

Dad: No, this is not a disaster

D: An earthquake is a disaster, your grandmother having Alzheimer's so bad she doesn't know who the fuck I am, that's a disaster. This is a good thing. This is a blessing.

S: I have a vision for how my life will go and this is definitely not it

D:Wait is this your vision? Are you living your vision right now?

S: I kinda am living my vision, yeah

D: Well, that is sad, I'm telling you Life doesn't care about your vision. Okay? Stuff happens. You deal with it. You roll with it. That's the beauty of it.

Anyway the reason that I am so stuck on this scene in the movie is that I tend to forget that life doesn't come in a pretty package with a pretty bow on top. Life is messy and difficult and never any thing we planned. If we could actually plan for life it would be so much easier, but we can't not really. Yes, we can expect the best and the worst of things but we don't actually know which one we are gonna get. And yet with all the mess that my life is and everything that goes right or wrong I am trying to remember that it is all gonna be ok, that it's all gonna work out in the end.

I am often surprised at how resilient the human spirit and people are, but I often lack faith in my own resilience. I tend to forget how strong I really am, and I focus only on my weakness or lack of something. And like most others I'm sure we all do the same thing.... we focus not on our abilities or skills but only on the skills we never seem to master and all of the qualities we seem to lack.

I just once want to confidently say that I am strong and believe it. I want to be more grateful for my life and the place that I am in within it. I want to learn to appreciate, not necessarily enjoy the difficult times. I want to learn to roll through life more smoothly and to forgive myself and others when they make a mistake. I want to learn to live a life of gratitude and happiness. And I want to wake up in the morning and realize that I still have many dreams and that I am still full of an endless amount of potential.

Pursuit of Happyness

So I'm sittin' here thinking before I go to work and I'm just amazed I can't believe I've already been here for 2 months and I feel like I haven't really done anything yet... so tomorrow I get done with work a little early and I'm gonna come home and fix my car and then I'm gonna do something fun. Maybe I'll go exploring and see what I can come up with.

On another note I've decided that my life is a total road trip and it's about time I enjoy it. So I guess that means I better start making a kick ass road trip cd. I had this sudden epiphany and I thought, " Wow, this isn't exactly what I thought it was going to be , but when is anything I ever plan exactly the way I want it to be." What would happen if I created my own happiness, even in the middle of complete and total chaos? And why does that scare me more than anything else?

Happiness isn't something that I should be scared of ... it should be something that I am always looking for and always creating. But really I shouldn't even have to look for happiness, I should be able to be ok with things not always be happy, and perfect, and shiny. I wanna be able to see the beauty in the mess, the chaos, and the break down. I don't want to have to wait for some big beautiful ship to come in and bring all my dreams with it... Forget that I'll row out to the ocean on my piece of wood or my cardboard box.

Leo Tolstoy once said, ' That if you want to be happy, be." I think that I forget so much that my happiness is mainly determined by myself and that if I want to be happy all I have to do is be happy. Happiness isn't earned or found it is created and I am determined to create my own happiness. So in creating my happiness I will leave you all with a song and video that makes me happy!

Taking something In

So today after an excellent talk with my brother I decided that I was going to try and talk more of the positive things of my job and the place that I am at right now. Today while taking my 15 minute break instead of reading, I notice that my co-worker an older woman was from Ohio. Out of curiosity I asked her how far her hometown was from Columbus and things. As we started talking I mentioned that my Mom was from Chester, and to my surprise the woman knew exactly what I was talking about. So we spent the next 20 minutes talking about Chester and the old pottery factory , the Giant Tea Pot, the glass factory, and the steel mills. It was so nice to talk to someone for a few minutes about places that I've spent my whole childhood going to. I was really grateful for that today. And I am always remined at the times I need it most that my life and my experiences are good, and that my family and my home will always love and welcome me with open arms. That will never change no matter where I go.

I'm Having a What?

The day has come and gone I have finally walked across that stage and shaken the hands of many people whom I can't even name. I've collected the envelope with my supposed worth in it and yes I did check and my name was correct on it. At least I wasn't the dumb ass that filled out " Da Bomb" on her diploma form.

But the high of finally accomplishing a life long goal has worn off as quickly as the buzz of my two for one WallabeDarns. I'm now staring at a 60,000 dollar piece of paper and the next 25 years of debt staring right back. I woke up the next morning and realized I didn't have to do anything so I slept til noon and then watched four episodes of the Jersey Shore and Teen Mom. And then I woke up the next day and did the same damn thing except this time I added a shower to the mix and painted my nails. I am a college graduate and obviously highly accomplished. After a week of doing nothing I realized that was really boring and decided that it was now time to visit all of my other friends and spend as much time with them before I became an adult and moved to live out my dreams of saving the world.

Saving the world is apparently a lot harder than it looks because it didn't happen within the first month of me moving. In fact the only thing that happened in the first month of me moving was I drove 900 miles to one of the hottest places in the states in the summer, I discovered that I have no money, no supposed talents, changed my mind that I may have talents, spent what little money I did have on useless things, drove everywhere with my G.P.S. , realized that my home including my bed, my hateful cats, and my shitty car where all things I missed.

I realized that my life is not together and I have no idea what the fuck I want to do with my life. I work crappy 3rd shift hours, make little money , and I eat a lot of dollar menu meals and peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. I have student loans that are going to come in, I am not allowed to put any decorations on my walls, and I am alone. I realize that apparently everyone I know is getting married, pregnant , or engaged in some form. I realize that I am without a significant other that I 'm kinda not ok with that. I feel horrible that I don't work at my dream job, have my dream husband, dream house, or my 2.5 perfect children.

I take a breath and realize that I'm 23 not 80 I have a little time. I call my Mom , my brother , my friends, anyone who will listen and not judge me for crying at everything. I think about missing a major holiday and I cry, I have a crappy day at work and cry, I cry at a save the penguins commercial, and then I cry because I go to bed alone. I decide that I am tired of crying and I cry because I am tired, but then I actually feel a little better.

I decide I completely want to re-haul my entire life and I sign up for a 1/2 marathon, buy a book to learn Italian, and join Weight Watchers, make a budget, write a blog, sleep less and work more. I decide that my actual motivation 3 weeks after creating these changes is actually about zero and I don't follow through. I beat myself up for not following through on anything and vow to try harder. I try to schedule and plan my life and I realize like any other time I try to plan my life it just doesn't work. I loose hope, faith, and love in myself and the world around me, but then I realize it wasn't really lost just a little forgotten.

I am reminded by a good friend that this is exactly what I wanted. I wanted to live in the shitty apartment, pay too much for rent and food, learn to really love the taste of Ramon, work a shitty job for almost nothing, learn that money is actually kinda nice if you have it, and become immensely more grateful for sudden packages and cards from home. I vow to myself that I will stop playing it safe and I will actually chase my dreams and just do it. I apply to culinary school realize that 's not what I actually want to do, decide to apply for grad school realize that I'm completely unprepared for the GRE and hope I can just pass. Realize that if I don't pass I don't really care. I want to plan a vacation and actually take it. Allow love and gratitude to fill my life. Realize that everything will be ok in the end and if it's not ok then I haven't reach the end yet. And that the most important thing is to remember that an almost unbelievable amount of people love me regardless, even if I fail they will love me so even failure is not such a scary option.

And above all I pray that by the time I'm 25 I can just stop eating pasta and maybe actually eat a steak instead. But if not I better have lost some weight or at least have a damn fine ass from continually having to drag myself into and around a work area the size of downtown New York.